One moment your toddler is happily getting ready to leave the house. The next, they're lying on the floor because you gave them the blue cup instead of the green one.
To us, the problem can seem tiny. To a two-year-old, it can feel enormous.
Tantrums are one of the most challenging parts of toddlerhood for adults, but they are also a very normal part of development. Between the ages of two and three, children are developing an increasing desire for independence, while the parts of their brain responsible for managing emotions, controlling impulses and coping with frustration are still developing.
In other words, their feelings are often much bigger than their ability to manage them.
A tantrum isn't simply 'bad behaviour'
When we see a toddler screaming, kicking, throwing something or dropping to the floor, it can be tempting to think:
They're being naughty.
They're doing this for attention.
They know exactly what they're doing.
But we try to look underneath the behaviour.
A toddler may be communicating:
I'm tired.
I'm overwhelmed.
I wanted to do that myself.
I don't have the words to explain what I need.
Something didn't happen the way I expected.
I don't know how to cope with this feeling yet.
Behaviour is communication, particularly for young children who don't yet have the language or emotional skills to tell us what is happening inside them.
Why are tantrums so common between two and three?
This is an extraordinary period of development. Toddlers are beginning to discover that they are separate people with their own ideas, preferences and intentions.
You'll often hear phrases such as "Me do it!", "Mine!" and, of course, "No!"
And this is actually something to celebrate.
A child wanting to make decisions and do things independently is beginning to develop confidence, independence and their own sense of identity.
The difficulty is that their ambitions are often ahead of their abilities.
They may desperately want to put their own shoes on but can't quite manage it. They may want another child's toy but don't yet understand why they can't immediately have it. They may know exactly what they want but not have the words to explain it. Frustration can build very quickly.
What happens during a tantrum?
Imagine experiencing an enormous emotion without knowing what it is called, why you're experiencing it or how to make it stop.
That's a little like being a toddler.
When a young child becomes overwhelmed, expecting them simply to "calm down" can be unrealistic. In that moment, they need an emotionally regulated adult to help them feel safe.
This is why, at Saffrons, relationships are such an important part of our practice.
Rather than asking:
"How do we stop this behaviour?"
we are more interested in:
"What is this child trying to communicate, and what do they need from us?"
What should adults do during a tantrum?
First, stay as calm as you can.
Children borrow our calm before they learn to create their own.
Getting louder, becoming angry or trying to reason extensively with a distressed toddler is unlikely to help.
Instead, we can remain nearby, keep them safe and use simple language.
"You're really upset."
"You wanted the red cup."
"You didn't want playtime to finish."
"I'm here."
We can acknowledge the feeling without necessarily changing the boundary.
For example:
"I know you really want another biscuit. You're feeling cross because I said no. It's okay to feel cross. We're not having another biscuit."
The feeling is accepted.
The boundary remains.
We don't need to fix every difficult feeling
This can be particularly hard for adults.
When children become upset, our natural instinct is often to make everything better as quickly as possible.
But experiencing disappointment and frustration with a trusted adult alongside them is part of how children gradually learn to cope with difficult emotions.
If a tower falls down, we don't always need to rebuild it.
If something is difficult, we don't immediately need to do it for them.
If another child is using the toy they want, we don't necessarily need to find them another one immediately.
Sometimes our role is simply to be there while they experience the feeling.
Over time, these small experiences help build resilience and problem-solving skills.
Give toddlers appropriate control
Many toddler battles can also be reduced by recognising children's growing need for autonomy.
Instead of controlling every part of their day, we can offer meaningful choices.
"Would you like the blue cup or the green cup?"
"Would you like to put your coat on yourself or would you like me to help?"
"Shall we walk to the changing area or hop?"
These seem like tiny decisions to an adult, but they give a toddler an important message:
Your thoughts and choices matter.
Of course, toddlers can't make every decision. Adults still provide safe and appropriate boundaries. But where a choice is possible, allowing children some control can make a significant difference.
Help children build the language of emotions
We can also help children understand what they're experiencing by giving feelings names.
"You look frustrated."
"You're disappointed."
"That surprised you."
"You're excited!"
"You're feeling worried."
Over time, children begin to connect the physical sensation of an emotion with its name.
Eventually, instead of communicating entirely through their body, they begin to have another tool available to them: language.
This doesn't happen overnight. Emotional regulation develops over many years and needs repeated experiences with supportive adults.
What we are really developing
At Saffrons, we don't see toddler tantrums as something we simply need to eliminate.
They are opportunities for children to begin learning some of the skills that will matter throughout their lives.
When an adult supports a child through frustration rather than immediately fixing the problem, we're developing resilience.
When we give them words for their feelings, we're developing communication.
When we allow them to make appropriate choices, we're developing independence and confidence.
When we help them work through a disagreement with another child, we're beginning to develop collaboration and problem-solving.
These are all part of our Creating Tomorrow's Thinkers philosophy.
We're not expecting a two-year-old to regulate their emotions like an adult. We're helping them gradually build the foundations that will allow them to do so in the future.
And sometimes… they're simply tired
It is also worth remembering that not every tantrum needs a developmental strategy.
Sometimes a toddler is hungry.
Sometimes they've had a busy morning.
Sometimes there has been too much noise.
Sometimes they're tired.
And sometimes being two is simply exhausting.
Understanding behaviour doesn't mean removing every boundary or preventing children from ever becoming upset. It means recognising that behind those enormous emotions is a very young person who is still learning how to navigate the world.
Our job isn't to make sure they never experience big feelings.
It's to help them discover that big feelings are manageable, that feelings pass, and that there is a trusted adult beside them while they learn how to cope with them.
And that's a skill they'll carry with them far beyond toddlerhood.
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